“Vese Varume Vakadaro”: Advocate Nyari Mashayamombe Speaks Out on the Dzivarasekwa Murder-Suicide and the Toxic Pain We Normalize
I think as Zimbabweans we need to have a difficult and honest conversation, because sometimes we focus on the tragedy at the end without interrogating some of what was happening before it. First of all, nothing justifies taking another human being’s life. Whatever the betrayal, humiliation, anger, or pain, nobody has the right to kill another person.
Let us deal with the matter of Martin Muduva (42), killed with an axe by his wife, 43-year-old Lyliosa Chirara, as he slept at their home in Dzivarasekwa Extension. It has been reported that Muduva had been in an extramarital relationship with Vongai Patience Mangwiro for about five years, culminating in a recent lobola payment while his first marriage still existed. What has been publicly reported raises critical questions about marriage, patriarchy, infidelity, polygamy, and the choices both men and women make.
Where Responsibility, Marriage & Accountability Begin
Let me begin with the man because the married man carries the greatest responsibility—he made the vows. In most of these situations, the first wife did not enter her marriage agreeing that one day another woman would be introduced.
Culture may later come in, and lobola may be paid, but that does not change the fact that the first wife may never have chosen a polygamous marriage. This is where we need to talk honestly about male selfishness and patriarchy. Too often everybody must adjust around a man’s desires while he gets the best of both worlds. Sometimes what we later call polygamy began as an extramarital affair, and paying lobola does not erase the pain caused along the way.
Patience Mangwiro: The “Other Woman,” Agency & Sisterhood
Sisterhood cannot only mean defending women when something has happened to us. Sometimes sisterhood must also be honest enough to say, "My sister, this choice may be causing another woman pain." If you knowingly enter into a relationship with somebody’s husband, there is another woman on the other side of that decision.
It has been reported that photographs around the recent Roora were shared publicly. While sharing these does not make someone responsible for another person’s violent actions, we can reflect on the additional pain that comes from publicly celebrating a relationship when another woman is already living with its consequences.
Patriarchy largely benefits men, but women enable it when we knowingly participate in arrangements that hurt other women. There are single men, divorced men, and widowers. Find a relationship that does not have to begin with another woman carrying the pain of betrayal.
Lyliosa Chirara: Marriage, Endurance & the Breaking Point
We are a country where culturally and religiously, we frown upon divorce. I do not think divorce is the best outcome, but when a relationship has become bitter and destructive, why do we continue behaving as though divorce is worse than everything else that can happen inside a marriage?
There are women walking around alive whose joy, confidence, dreams, and dignity died years ago, yet society called that being a "good wife." Our communities must interrogate what we have normalized: "Vese varume vakadaro" (All men are like that). Just pray. Stay for the children. Where will you go?
There is life after divorce. Your life does not end because your marriage ended. If a relationship has become unbearable, seek help, leave if you need to, cry, grieve, and rebuild, but do not take another human being’s life.
A Lesson Paid in Blood
Advocate Nyari Mashayamombe’s piercing analysis cuts to the very core of Zimbabwe's cultural hypocrisy. The Dzivarasekwa tragedy is devastating because two people are dead and children are left shattered. Yet, as she points out, it forces us to confront the culture of silence, betrayal, selfish patriarchal entitlement, and forced endurance that exists far beyond this single family.
Men, stop being selfish with women’s lives. If you no longer want your marriage, deal honestly with it before building another life elsewhere. Women, stop believing that suffering is the price you must pay to remain married. Let us not knowingly become part of another woman’s pain while expecting sisterhood when that same pain reaches our own door.
Perhaps the greatest lesson from this tragedy is simply this: a marriage ending is not necessarily the worst thing that can happen. Sometimes walking away, however painful, allows everybody the opportunity to live, heal, and begin again.
© Sona Headlines | Opinion & Social Commentary Desk
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